Well hello there....

Leave it to me to start a blog, write 2 posts, then totally forget about it till over 2 years later. I can't even begin to describe how beautifully different things are from she I first started this blog. It's not even worth talking about. Everything has already happened. I'm really not one to go back and retell things anymore. Is there really any use to something that happened yesterday? Yea, I lived and experienced it; in times of despondency and loneliness I can think about the times that made me smile, but on a perfect normal day, there is no reason to go back to it. So you can read my old posts. Ask yourself about what happened to me those first few weeks of college, wonder what ever happened to Shelly and Jane and Robbie, ponder why I stopped posting. Like I said, you can wonder, but you may never know. Isn't that the beauty of it?

I'm starting with right now. Who I am now. This moment. This day.

I'm spread out at my work station. I work for the government. My fellow employees and I call ourselves the spies. What we do isn't that kickass... At all, I promise. I do wish it was as legitimate as being a spy, I daydream about that a lot. I'm here with Albus Dumbledore, the name of my fairly new MacBook Pro. I'm in love with it, which is saying something because I usually don't get along with technology. I'm in the middle of doing this, Facebooking (lame that I use such a word), and listening to Spotify. Spotify is like Pandora Radio, but way better. It isn't a website radio. It's an application (I guess?) that you download on your computer, and you can listen to however many artists and however many songs that you want. Better yet, you can skip as many times as you'd like! There are ads, naturally, but it is not nearly as excessive as those of Pandora. Belle and Sebastian, the artist I'm listening to now, is an indie-pop band that reminds me of the indie band Beruit. This is the first time I've ever really listened to Belle and Sebastian. The song I'm listening to now is called "Beautiful," and this is the 2nd time I've listened to it within the hour. The lyrics are lovely, and with the musical styling it makes a very alluring song. One that will surely be replaying in my head all day. The lyrics are heavy, but the tune and mood of the music turns it into something very playful and almost light. Here are some of the lyrics:

They let Lisa go blind
The world was at her feet and she was looking down
They let Lisa go blind
And everyone she knew thought she was beautiful
Only slightly mental
Beautiful, only temperamental
Beautiful, only slightly mental
Beautiful

She thought it would be fun to try photography
She thought it would be fun to try pornography
She thought it would be fun to try most anything
She was tired of sleeping

....just a little tease of a piece of some sublime music. I can't help but relate to the part of the lyrics where he talks about her being mental. I consider myself mental, for sure. At least more-so than the rest of my friends.

So, I'm back to blogging. Let's hope it works out how I would like it to. If it doesn't, whatever...should be pretty interesting regardless. I'm dropping the fake blog name.

-Ayns

And they're all still around & you're still safe and sound & you don't miss a thing till you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

I can only describe the past five days in so many words. There have been numerous goodbyes, hellos, and nice to meet yous. I think it will be best done if I give you a play-by-play of each of these days...



Tuesday, Aug. 18th (Daytime)

Remember how in my last blog I stated that I shall go shower and try to get to sleep? Yea, well that never happened. I showered, but I didn't get to sleep until about 7:30. Yes. In the morning. Only to get about 2 and a half hours of sleep because I thought I would try and go into work early so I could get off early. Well instead, I still woke up at 10, but I played the sick card and stayed home from work. That was a bit of a waste because I didn't even end up going back to sleep. I was very melancholy and sluggish all day that day, realizing the inevitable truth that pretty soon, I would be leaving home to try to take on the world alone. I was also feeling forlorn because I was unsure when the next time would be when I saw my best friends. Painting is usually a pretty temporary and simple cure for the blues; I was working on a much belated graduation gift. I texted one of my best friends...we will call her Shelly. At about 7:30, we ended up meeting up at the lakefront, one of my favorite spots, and we chatted about our anxious and excited feelings about leaving soon. While we were talking, long time former crush and now friend, who happens to live on the lakefront...we will call him Robbie...was jogging nearby. He stopped and said hello for a second, sat down and chatted for a bit, and was off again. Which was quite nice because we had been meaning to get together. Shelly and I kept chatting. The whole time I kept thinking about how usual coming to the lakefront is for us, we always do. But this time it was a bit eerie almost, because I knew this would be the last time for a while...and who knows how much time would have passed, or how much would have changed the next time I came back. Robbie came back, this time sitting down and chatting a bit longer. Him and Shelly began talking about college, since they will be at the same one. I was pretty quiet for most of this conversation, and inside I felt a little bit of sadness, even envy that a majority of my friends will be together all the time and go have fun together all the time. But I figured that I just needed to get over it. Robbie left again and Shelly texted one of my other best friends...we shall call her Jane. Jane came and it really felt like just another night at the lakefront. After a short time, Robbie texted Shelly and asked if we wanted to go over to his house. So that we did, and we were shortly joined by friend George and Jacob. We all went out to the lakefront and seriously chilled out, and Jacob went and walked around on his own. Did I mention how utterly happy I was to see Jacob? I had been meaning to give him a call, and it was only fate that he was there. That night when we were on the lakefront, I was running wild among all the stars that were above us. I just laid there and thought about how wonderful all my friends are and how much I dearly loe them all...and how much I would miss them. We went back to Robbie's house, all feeling pretty awesome. Just hanging around, watching True Blood, the time came for George and Jacob to leave. I it was hard; it is much too hard to say goodbye to people I adore who I normally don't see much of anyway. Don't ask why, but it is the truth. I was then left with Shelly, Jane, and Robbie. Eventually the time came for us to leave, and to say another goodbye. Like all the rest, it was difficult. But saying goodbye to Robbie reminded me of the past times we have said goodbye...nostalgia. Shelly, Jane, and I all went back to the cars...where I thought we would be saying our goodbyes. But Jane insisted that we go the next night, which was the night before they left, to get frozen yogurt. So with that said, we planned on the next day to say our final farewell. Laying in bed later that night, I thought about how the night had felt so normal. I thought about how carefree and truly happy I felt, a way I hadn't felt in a long time. It was just like any other night, but I had said goodbye to 3 near and dear friends...and I didn't know when I would next see them again. And the next day would be the last day I would see Shelly and Jane for God only knows how long. I began to go down memory lane and started thinking about other friends who had already left. I finally drifted into an uneasy sleep.



Wednesday, Aug. 19th- End of An Era

My last day at Once Upon A Child, a happy thing for the most part. But the name of that store never ceases to make me laugh...so bizarre. The store had gotten extremely hectic, so I was pretty glad to be leaving the craziness. I would, however, miss getting money and my boss. I have one of the sweetest people I know for a boss, and I sort of felt guilty that it was my last day. Nevertheless, she was all smiles when she wished me good luck and told me not to forget them there. I know I will be back at some point during my visits. I got home and started the long process of packing up. I knew what was coming later that evening, and dreaded it. Eight o' clock came around much too soon though, and I got in my car to head over to Menchies...which is a new frozen yogurt place which was supposed to be the newest craze. Let me just say: worst drive of my life. In my car CD player, I have one of my burned classical mix CDs. Debussy's Clair de Lune comes on, and my eyes fill with tears quicker than blood spills from a wound. The sobs keep coming as two of Craig Armstrong's masterpieces begin to play. I have several run-ins with death; sobbing while on the interstate is strongly disadvised. Then I get slightly annoyed when Jane calls, because I have to quickly control myself so I can sound like I haven't just cried a river and drowned the whole world. I answer the phone and she is asking me where I was, and I guess my attempt to hide my recent sobs failed because she asked me what was wrong. I told her I was fine and that I would see her soon, but once I hung up it was Tear Fest '09 once again. I pull into the back of the Menchies parking lot, and see Shelly and Jane standing there waiting. It takes me a minute or so to calm down and compose myself, but I get out to meet them. But they can't be fooled, my silent demeanor and puffy eyes are an immediate give away. "Where you just crying?", Shelly asked with a suspicous smile. I vigorously nodded yes as my eyes started to fill with more tears and Shelly came in for a long embrace in which I cried on her shoulder. We let go, and I wiped my eyes as Jane and Shelly tried to cheer me up by talking about great the yogurt is supposed to be. So we went inside. Menchies is a very happy place, and it reminds me very much of one of those Hello Kitty stores in Japan. It is a self served yogurt bar, in which the prices are determined by weight. I got cappuccino flavor, and it was quite delicious. The three of us went outside, sat at one of the tables, and enjoyed our yogurt. We talked as Shelly and Jane chatted about their packing efforts, as both of them were to move the next day. It was very nice as I enjoyed my yogurt and last minutes of peace and happiness with my two best friends. How I would miss them. I was once again immersed in my sadness as the time came for the final farewell. As I was getting up to leave with Shelly and Jane, it crossed my mind that it really isn't goodbye, just see you later. I brought this to their attention and it made things a little bit easier. As I left, I still cried, even though I knew it wasn't really goodbye. It was the end of an era, my best summer yet, and it ended with us all separating. Now I was truly alone, it was up to me to make new friends at my school. But to Jane, Shelly, and all my other fantastic best friends...thank you so much for giving me the best summer ever. I love you guys so much and I already miss you.



-Ilsa

The Beginning...

I cannot begin to describe how being an insomniac bothers me. Ok, so not a literal insomniac; I do get to sleep at some point or another, but staying up ridiculously late knowing I have tedious work to do the next day is incredibly dull on my part. And yet here I am, sitting in my bed doing absolutely nothing at 5 a.m. I do love my bed, I will without a doubt miss it very much indeed when I leave for college this coming Friday. Good God, those words are so much easier said than comprehended! This time next week, I won't be sitting in my room, on my bed. No, I will be sitting in a college dorm, on some bed that God only knows how many people have slept before me. I will not have had a dinner cooked by my mother that night (as my family usually does on Monday evenings), nor will I no longer have to endure the frustration of my father as he helps my sister with her school work. It is all very sad, but at the same time I am so ready...I know I am. Bittersweet. My mother and father have raised me to the best of their ability. Now it is time for me to test what they have raised me to be in the real world. I cannot describe how excited I am.

It certainly does have it struggles, though. I have been stressing lately, which is nothing compared to the chicken running around with its head cut off I'll be later...but I have been stressing over getting everything together. Getting the right things for my dorm, making sure all the finances are paid, seeing that I can at least have a general idea of where my future classes are, and doing all of this while still trying to maintain a decent life with my friends and family. The one thing that has been uplifting is knowing that I am certainly not the only one having these issues. I know all of my friends are going through the same stuff, even though they may not be stressing about it as I am. Several of my friends have already gone off to school. Luckily for me, the college I will be attending isn't very far at all from where a majority of my friends will be. So that should make saying goodbye easier, right? I have been asking myself that question quite a bit lately. At first I figured that since I would be within about 5 hours of all my friends, goodbye would not be so bad. But now as I have had to say more and more goodbyes, I am only just realizing that it is more difficult. Here is my theory:
As I said before, most of my peers will be within 5 hours of me. Most of them will be only an hour away. I think it is harder to say goodbye when I am going to a school closer to all of my friends as opposed to going on the opposite side of the country (as I will be next year..). My reasoning is pretty simple. When I am only an hour from my friends, it only makes me want to go visit and see them, which I can do some weekends. But I know it will be torture waiting until the weekends to be able to see them, and I won't even be able to go every weekend. Especially if I am absolutely miserable, the temptation to jump in the car and go is greater than ever. But I can't...not with the cost of gas or the price of losing potential study time. The fact that they will be so close, but I won't be able to see them all the time will kill me. Whereas if I was to go to New York or something, I would be so far away the idea of going to visit my friends every weekend would not even cross my mind. So I would not be tormented with the idea of being with them when they're so close. Maybe this little theory does not make sense to other people, but it certainly makes all the sense to me.

It is 5:17...I am not even the least bit tired but I know I should go hop in the shower or do something to try and put myself to sleep. I suppose I should go get a start on that....goodnight, or should I say good morning.

~Ilsa